So, I accidentally logged into the CW streaming app today, and right there in the main menu below the three seasons of “F Boy Island” was the 2001 holiday movie “A Unicorn For Christmas.” 

And to get it out of the way before you ask, yes “Fuck Boy Island” is a real show and not a skit from Saturday night live. It’s been adapted for audiences in Denmark, Sweden, Spain, The Netherlands, New Zealand and Australia. If you want to know the moment I felt we wouldn’t make it as a species … now. It’s now. 

“A Unicorn For Christmas” is a Hallmark Christmas movie without that pesky romantic plot. The movie opens in the New York City apartment of the Family of our preteen protagonist Izzy Campbell, played by Abby James Witherspoon, niece of Reese. That was fun to say. Niece of Reese. 

Izzy and her BFF are looking out their apartment window trying to see the constellation monosaurus a constellation I am 99.9% certain they just made up.  Mono of course means a kissing illness and service means sir's as.

They are disappointed they're having difficulty seeing it in the night sky and say it's because it's rather faint in the starlit sky, but frankly, I’m impressed they see any stars in the light pollution of New York City. According to the overlay, the constellation goes from the rear foot, out the horse’s ass, to the front shoulder, to the nose, to the eye. If you're going to make up a constellation out of fake stars, you'd think it'd be a little more elegant or at least in the shape of a unicorn. 

 Izzy and her sassy black kid BFF Marco are obsessed with unicorns but unfortunately, it is her family's last night in town before they move to the farm. Friend of course doesn't want to move because she'll miss out on all the important things like unicorn Universe Live and Christmas and snow and blow and hookers and muggings and all the other fun stuff of New York City. But of course, her family doesn't give a shit about her feelings so she's moving anyway. Mom, played by Sunny Maybury who you don't remember from such movies as Hillbilly Elegy and Snakes on a Plane and TV shows like llama cop, does assure her that it does snow there sometimes and a little less confident about there being hookers there but the way they go the next day because dad hasn't been able to make a living in the restaurant business in New York City so the obvious solution to that is rural Georgia Chestnut hollered to be exact. Woohoo hoo hoo hoo hoo cough cough hack wheeze.

 Dad's already moved ahead of time but of course, Izzy, her mom, and her older brother drive down later with soft shell luggage tied to their roof just to make it clear that they're moving. Because that's a thing people still do these days. You can't move without tying something to your roof it's a rule I didn't make it up. Also, I think an ostrich flying overhead shit on their car. 

o they have to get the petting zoo together which is kind of a stupid question since it's for the  Christmas Fair I mean it would seem obvious they don't have until January to get it done whatever mom's stupid.  Mom and Dad seem genuinely surprised that the kids are not super enthusiastic about having the full adult responsibility of caring for all the animals and running the petting zoo while the adults do …  each other I guess I don't know.

The next morning Izzy get accosted by some sheep while feeding them. Dad tries to comfort her by offering her some Mom’s fresh batch of kumatcha. This is weird because kombucha is made via fermenting, which means not “fresh” and overnight is hardly enough time for fermentation to occur. But surprise surprise, Izzy hates, it, and she hates the farm, and she hates pineapple on pizza. 

The Christmas fair, is your typical small-town fair, with rides, slides, vendors, and for some reason some idiot selling kombucha. The family meets Mr. McFarline the unscrupulous carnival owner, and their boss at the holiday carnival. The petting zoo gets off to a rough start. One Karen is demanding a refund because the animals won't stay still for her kids to pet and then some dick teenage boys keep scaring the fainting goats in the petting zoo. I don’t know what is a worse idea, sinking your life savings into a county fair Kombucha booth business in rural Georgia, or having goats that pass out every time whenever they’re stressed in a petting zoo. But what I do know is fainting goats should solve the problem of animals running away from children! But no. That doesn't happen.

So a pony shows up out of nowhere after seeing the Monocorisous constellation and only Izzy can see it’s a unicorn. No one else in her family can see it’s a unicorn, but Izzy is 100% sure and repeatedly insists, so they start to look into getting her mental health treatment for her hallucinations. Just kidding, they just smile and nod and act like everything is okay. Izzy Facetime with Marco back in the NYc where light CGI flurries are falling, to show off the unicorn … by physically turning her phone around instead of switching to the rear-facing camera that was already pointed at the damned thing!!! This bothered me a lot. 
Marco ends the call when his mom yells for him, and not a damn person responded with polo. 

So anyone who has spent any time around actual horses can tell this “unicorn” is pissed off for 75% of the movie. Its ears are pinned back and it just looks annoyed. So it just seems like this happy magical unicorn just seems to be wanting to tell people to fuck off. 

Mom is getting frustrated at the lack of kombucha sails but Dad reassures her if they can get a petting zoo off the ground and they can get a kombucha stand off the ground. But I'm not exactly sure how they think they got a petting zoo off the ground because it's been exactly 3 days and also I'm not sure how those two things are analogous but whatever magic of Christmas or some b******* like that.

They start doing pony rides with the unicorn and sell an obscene amount of tickets because only those pure in heart or some shit can see the unicorn horn, and that means annoying snot-nose kids whose parents buy them tickets just to get them to shut the hell up. And while they sell a ton of tickets, apparently only one child actor was small enough to ride. Mostly, the pony just gets led around in circles looking very bored. Mom is manning the Kombatcha booth, so she’s also wandering around in circles being bored. Brother is running the petting zoo. And Dad is Planting more arugula or something else that doesn’t contribute to the plot. 

 So the carnival owner takes notice of the long lines for the pony unicorn rides and demands to Dad that he double the price of the ticket from $1 to $2 dad decides against this though cuz he promised the kids and would only be a dollar. And it's not like he needs the money because he supporting his family of four and barn full of animals on the one kombucha sale they made all week and he has plenty of other passive income streams going on I don't know why he didn't do it cuz he's af****** moron. Or maybe he thinks the pony can do 600 pony rides in a week. 

Some members of the basketball team peer pressure Brother into riding the twister ride five times in a row. Then he pukes. Izzy then asks Mom if she has any more kombucha, and of course, she has an emergency bottle in her purse. Brother drinks it, and it settles his stomach. This is the movie’s attempt at foreshadowing. I can't help but feel this movie was funded in part by the National Kombucha Council. 

So the evil Carnival owner kidnaps the unicorn (and a chicken for some reason) so he can charge $15 a viewing at other winter carnivals. Of course, he sells tickets to mostly adults so this turns out to be a really stupid idea. Almost as stupid as agreeing to be in this movie. 

So Izzy and her Brother save the unicorn and the chicken when the bad guys create their own diversion, the crowd applauds as if they have some idea of what's going on, and suddenly everyone can see the unicorn. Dad somehow off lifts the pony into the back of the pick-up truck and now as they’re returning to the petting zoo she’s shooting rainbow lasers out of her horn like it's a Pink Floyd show at the local planetarium.  Also somehow the Unicorn got itself out of the truck when they got there. 

And miracles of all miracles, Mom has a long ass line to buy Kombucha. Because after eating fair food all week, everyone needs something to settle their stomach. I think I need a kombucha after watching this movie.

It starts to snow, and the state shuts down because we all know the state of Georgia closes school when someone spills a bowl of frosted flakes, so light flurries bring out the National Guard. As the movie ends Izzy has a new pet, so she says that she has “The title of this movie.”

So if you like movies where Christmas decorations fall off the wall and then christmas magic makes them reappear on the wall as soon as there's a cutaway like an Ed Wood movie, then this is for you. No, it's not. I lied. It's not even for the actor's resume.