FutureKick from 1991 is a movie full of surprises. Actually, because of the title, every single frame of this movie left me surprised Jean Claude VanDamme wasn’t in it. I guess that’s not really full of surprises as much as it is one long-sustained surprise. However playing the part of Van Damme in this movie is Don “The Dragon” Wilson, World Kickboxing Association world light heavyweight champion.  The filmmakers thought it was important that we know that before we even knew the movie’s title. 

The back story is essentially a rip-off of the Terminator. In the far distant future of 2025, There are no governments, only corporations. They invent artificial beings to be the police force. The robots decide that the corporations are the real problem, and rise up… only to be quickly and soundly defeated. So that last part is different at least. Our Jean Claude VanSchwartzenager is the last of the cyborgs and the hero of this movie. 

One of these corporations is called NewBody. Which sounds like a video fitness series, but it isn’t. They sell replacement body parts to discerning ultra rich people who live on the moon. But as it turns out they aren’t exactly making these body parts as much as they are harvesting from the downtrodden on earth. 

A rich dude who is the best at programming virtual reality entertainment gets himself all murdered and his heart and liver are harvested by the head henchman. But they wanted the bedazzled 3,5” floppy disk he had that proves they’re up to organ harvesting shenanigans. The head henchman murders quite a few people in this movie using his strange three-pronged fist knife thing. He holds it in his fist and it has a blade above his knuckles and one on either side of his fist. Sure it looks scary in the dark, but anytime the light hits it, it’s obvious that these blades are flat pointy pieces of metal and do not have a cutting edge. So when he stabs someone and then removes the blades and the victim's perfectly intact heart comes out with it, I’m left wondering …. How the hell did that happen? Either he’s stabbing through the ribcage to get to the heart and the heart is just passing through solid bone as it exits. Or he’s stabbing them straight in the stomach and that’s where the human heart is located in the future. Plausibility seems to vary at different points in the movie depending on the whims of the special effects makeup artist. Either way neither one explains why the heart comes out with the knife blade as there’s nothing on the knife to grip or grab the heart. There’s not even a crappy in-universe answer like “because we invented tech to do that,” or “Magic.” It just happens. 

The wife is investigating the murder because much like the audience, the police don’t give a shit about the dead guy.  Her investigation takes her to the strip club multiple times a day. So you’d think a movie about the future with kickboxing and strippers would be interesting. But it’s not

And it turns out that dead rich dude was trying to hire our kickboxing robot for something. So once the grieving widow shows up the robot feels obligated to help her for a rather hefty sum of money. But hey, on the bright side, this might finally lead to some championship-quality kick boxery. 

New to the bodyguard gig, our foot-fighting fellow decides the best way to protect her is to be nowhere near her. And he was genuinely surprised when the bad guys attacked her. But he manages to run across town and run off the henchmen but not before wounding one of them. Now I’m not sure if this henchman is supposed to be human or robot or something else, but the wound looks like a piece of romaine lettuce, so maybe vegetable?

The head henchman goes rogue and kills his boss the corrupt police chief, and we’re into the final action sequence where our cyborg and the grieving widow take turns chasing and running from the head henchman and the second in command. Like all action sequences in this movie, calling this an action sequence is like calling speed walking a 100-meter dash. Our hero seems to have only one move kicking, and the villains seem to only know how to punch. It’s awkward and weird screen combat at its doofyist, and more importantly, robbed me of the chance to say “Everybody was king fu fighting.” When they give up on the hand-to-foot combat and decide to shoot at each other it’s obvious who’s getting shot, because the exploding blood packs are visible under clothing before they explode. All the other kids with their future kicks, are able to run, able to run faster than the bullets.

Head henchman is finally defeated when our heroes lock their wrists inside a video game and it makes the bad guy’s brain explode when it gets turned on. Just like my parents predicted video games would do. At this point, it is revealed that the entire thing was just a VR simulation experienced by the wife. This also sounds like a recycled plot point from another popular Schwarzenegger movie, but I can’t totally recall which one. 

Future kick is avalible on Tubi.

Or not Tubi.

That is the question.