Let’s talk about the turd of a movie, “Getting Lucky” from 1989. We’re introduced to our nerdy hero Bill in his tighty whiteys. He’s into recycling, long walks on the beach, and Cheerleader Chrissy. And clearly, he’s a knockoff of Lewis from Revenge of the Nerds. As luck would have it, Chrissy broke up with her boyfriend after the fifth period, and Bill has just been promoted to towel whipping boy for the boy’s basketball team. Unlucky for him by 8th period she's ready to “bone” the quarterback of the basketball team in the grass by the school's playground. Nerd boy Bill accidentally interrupts them, 

Bill continues his quest to save the planet by picking up an empty beer bottle and throws it into a dumpster. Only it removes itself from the dumpster. This beer bottle is currently occupied by an alcoholic leprechaun named Lucky. Something he never even takes a moment to act surprised about. And just to be clear, this is not a roomie bottle like in I Dream of Genie, this poor guy can’t even sit down. So every time we see “lucky in the bottle he’s staring straight up. Also, why is a leprechaun in a bottle, not a genie? 

Turns out Lucky is pretty shitty at his wish-granting.  Bill wishes for a date with Chrissy, which he gets and takes her to the drive-in. But Chrissy decides to bone the other dude in the back seat on her way to the bathroom and Bill then again interrupts them. Then Bill wishes for a Lamborgini and he gets a pinto. 

 The quarterback of the basketball team is understandably pissed after being cock blocked twice, but Lucky decides to stand up for him by making him hit himself with his tennis racket before basketball class. Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.  Why are you hitting yourself? And then he shoves it up his ass. 

Chrissy decides she was kinda a bitch to Bill and apologizes and then they go mini-golfing. And the mini golf montage music is a little ditty that repeats the phrase “Your heart makes a hole in one.” For the record, that’s a severe medical condition called ventricular septal defect. 

After the date, Bill absent-mindedly wishes he was a cat, and Lucky of course grants the wish. Chrissy is inside watching TV, and the animals do it like they do it on the Discovery channel. She lets the cat in, then Tony shows up to claim his girl again. He tells her when he was at the hospital today, the whole time they were pulling the tennis racket out of his ass, he could only think of her, which is so romantic. Tony doesn’t take rejection well and gets all rapey. But kitty jumps off his back and mom comes home, and the police are called. 

Now bravo to this movie for not normalizing this type of behavior and calling a crime a crime. Buuuuuuuut … Tony’s arrest is still kinda played for laughs. He convinces the police questioning him to reduce the charges if he gives them information on the biggest drug dealer in town, Bill. which of course he isn’t, his mad stacks of cash are from a leprechaun, not dealing drugs. 

The next day the pinto breaks down, so Bill tries to take Chrissy to school on his bike. He needs to adjust her bike seat but his wrench is too big, so shitty wish-granting leprechaun tries to shrink it. But he accidentally shrinks bill. Tiny 2-inch-tall Bill is still on the bicycle seat when Chrissy decides to ride it to school, so we’re treated to Bill desperately hanging on the edge of her panties, with gigantic public hair poking out. And so he doesn’t fall, he climbs into her panties. This movie got creepy quickly. And he’s fighting with a forest of giant pubic hair. Like pubic hair bigger than your arm, just dangling there in his face. Why? Why? Why? How is being the size of pubic lice and crawling around in someone's panties supposed to be erotic and or funny?

And then it gets worse! Chrissy is sitting in class, and she’s enjoying Bill crawling around in her panties, cause Meg Ryan’s got nothing on her.  In unison, The older male teacher is working himself into a frenzy talking about Lewis and Clark or some shit like that. 

And then it gets worse! Just as the teacher reaches the climax of his lecture, so does she. Teach pulls out a cigarette and lights it up as everyone shuffles off to the next class.

So Bill just hangs out in her granny panties for the rest of the day until after cheerleading practice and hitting the showers. He’s still clinging to her pubes until he’s washed away. This is like the nightmare version of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. What kind of Daft punk wrote this script? 

Bill’s about to drown in the shower drain when Lucky finally gets off his ass and makes him full size again, and which point Chrissy is dressing again, and the missing wrench and Bill glassing magically appear in Chrissy’s panties. 

And then it gets worse!  Bill gets in trouble for being in the girl's shower and for having a beer bottle and the principal is paddling his ass and what the fuck!?! This movie is not magically delicious. Lucky steps in and makes the principal hit himself with the paddle, and please please let this paddle not be going up his ass. 

Chrissy decided since she got stood up by Bill, and because he was a peeping tom in the shower she was going to break up with him, after their one date, so to change her mind, he tells her that he loves her. She holds fast though, until interrupted by another cheerleader, then she decides they should commit to each other because she has the attention span and personality of a goldfish. 

So for their next date, they’re walking down the side of the road picking up trash … like pages from the script. This goes on for nearly 2 minutes wordlessly for reasons 

unknown. 

On their next date Chrissy says she’s saving herself for marriage, Which my boy Bill is cool with, but seeing paradise by the dashboard light, he immediately proposes. And she immediately accepts because Chrissy cannot decide if she’s a heartless bitch or if she has the personality or wet cardboard.  It seems to vary from sentence to sentence. 

We next see Bill saying goodbye to Lucky as he’s shoving his beer bottle into a plain manila envelope and mailing him back to Ireland. Wasn’t his curse supposed to be lifted after he granted three wishes? Why can’t he just magic himself back to Ireland? How do they expect that beer bottle not to break in the mail without the slightest bit of packaging beyond a manila envelope? 

So now it's a month later and it’s Bill and Chrissy’s wedding day.  And they drive off into the sunset and live happily ever after…  No wait, Bill is no longer driving his car because it broke down but instead, his dad’s car, which conveniently has a backseat for the increasingly deranged Tony to hide in and then carjack them. He forces Bill out of the car and takes off with Chrissy. Bill decides it’s time to stop being the zero and play the hero and lucky for him a barbarian comes over the nearest ridge, riding two horses one foot atop each, reigns in one hand.  I just want to make it very clear that this comes completely out of left field and thematically makes no sense with the rest of the movie. 

Bill asks the barbarian to borrow one of his horses to rescue his bride, and the barbarian refuses stating that he can’t, he has two feet and therefore needs two horses.  What other kind of answer would you expect? The barbarian however does have a spare he can lend, so he whistles for it and it shows up so quickly I don’t know why it wasn’t Bill’s first choice of transportation. Bill rides off to save his bride, who is currently being assaulted under a tree by some couple who is just sitting there minding their own business, cooking shishkabobs on the campfire. . Bill and Tony commandeer the meat  and veggies on sticks to engage in a sword fight, which might have been something had the sticks been more than a foot long and had they removed the meat and veggies from the sticks before trying to kill each other. Tony monologs about how they’re two wild animals fighting over the right-to-bang girl who is going to be so horny from watching this knowing she’s going to have to bone the winner. So clearly Tony hasn’t learned anything from those rape charges. In the background, two stallions are fighting because metaphors are hard for some people to understand. And maybe they’re also fighting for the right to bone Chrissy. Who knows? Tony disarms weakling Bill and he thrusts his hands in the arms in the air in victory and into a bee hive as we have gone the full looney toons now. Tony flees, and our newlyweds can finally ride off into the  … oh god it’s still not over. 

The love birds settle into their hotel room to consummate their marriage when the cops bust in to investigate that whole drug dealing thing. They saw him mail Lucky back to Ireland, and assume it’s international drug smuggling. Bill explains about Lucky and how there were three wishes from a leprechaun and all that plot crap. Which only confirms the cops suspicion of drug use. 

The cops can’t find the nonexistent drugs, but they do find a bottle of non-alcoholic champagne. Which  Bill points out isn’t illegal. The cops are satisfied with that answer and leave. Now with hormones racing at the speed of light, Bill pops that bottle of champagne, and guess who’s inside? Christina Aguilera! No, it’s lucky  …again. Fade to black. And the movie’s over. For real this time. I think. It’s over right? No more. Please no more. 

Getting Lucky is available streaming on Plex.