Where do I even begin to begin with the movie, Robot Monster from 1953? At the beginning I suppose. 

When I first began this podcast one of the names  I considered was “Gorilla in a Diving Helmet.” I decided against it because I feared being mistaken for a podcast on underwater activities or primates.  But this is the movie that inspired that name. 

I do have to state as a disclaimer that this movie was originally in 3D and was only available in 2d streaming so it’s possible this movie was an entirely different experience in 3D.  I said Possible, not probable. 

As was the norm for the time, the bulk of the film's credits are shown at the beginning of the film,  What wasn’t the norm for the time was the rather prominent billing  of the “Automatic Billion Bubble Machine.”  This doesn’t bode well for the actual action sequences.

A young boy and a girl are playing outside at what appears to be the Mayberry Rock quarry. The boy shoots his toy laser pistol at the girl and her doll. They run around and stumble onto two scientists who are removing random rocks from the wall of the mouth of a cave so they can send them to a museum.  Because that’s how geology works. “Here’s a random rock. Off to the museum, it goes!”  My entire unpaved driveway is currently on display at the Smithsonian. 

The mother and older sister of these children run up apologize to the scientists for the kids bothering them, and then remind the kids they promised to take a nap after the picnic they just had. The kids reluctantly agree, after some gentle prodding by the younger scientist who has the hots for the older sister. 

They return to the picnic blanket,  where the boy asks his mom, and this is a direct quote, “Say are we ever going to have a new father around our house?” What the absolute fuck? Is the robot monster the name of the person who wrote the dialogue? “Are we ever going to have a new father around our house?’ Sure son, I’ll pick one up at five and dime on the way home from the market tomorrow. I think I saw a coupon for 10% off fathers in the Sunday paper. 

So nap time. I’m not sure if the actors have never seen another person sleeping before, or the direction they were given was to look as uncomfortable as possible, or perhaps they’re trying to duck and cover, but all four of them are passed the fuck out, stone cold unconscious like they were in the middle of the picnic and suddenly passed out. They aren’t even in the shade. High noonday sun sleeping on the edges of a picnic blanket.

The boy child awakens and runs to the cave as lightning strikes and knocks the child to the ground gently. He looks far more comfortable lying there in the dirt knocked unconscious than he did just a few seconds ago sleeping. 

As a Gila Monster attacks an alligator, and two claymation triceratops battle it out, I’m left hunting for the remote, because I think I just accidentally switched to another movie. No, the transition and plot were lacking. Okay then. Where are we? Are we inside the cave? The Rock quarry? Are we on another planet? I think the alligators are winning! And now that’s over and we’ll never speak of it again until the end of the movie.

The boy is awakened by our hero, the  automatic billion bubble machine. Who while he slumbered saw fit to change  the boy's pants from jeans to jorts.  Yes, I’m calling the bubble machine the hero of the movie as even if it’s not, it does put on the best acting proformance. 

The boy hears a noise and runs and out from the cave emerges what can only be described as a gorilla in a diving helmet. Remember the transformer Shockwave? The purple decipticon ray gun? His head on a fursuit. This is not accessorized by belts, buckles, or straps, or even an air tank hooked up to the diving helmet. No sciFi accutrumont to sell the look. It does not really look like a monster, and it sure as hell doesn’t look like a robot. It’s a gorilla in a diving helmet that is in no way frightening, and I cannot imagine any situation where this would be frightening, unless of course I was actually diving underwater, and suddenly I was attacted by a real gorilla who was using the diving helmet for it’s intended purposes. And then I’d be like ah get you’re stinking hands off me you damn dirty ape! But I’d drown cause I’m underwater without a diving helmet. But lets talk more about the movie and less about my fever dreams.

We’re treated to the gorilla in a diving helmet contacting his boss on his homeworld, who is also a gorilla in a diving helmet, using the advanced alien technology of being projected into the mirror of a dresser that’s appeared in the cave of the bubble machine.  You know I don’t even think it’s a different gorilla in a diving helmet. I think they just changed the back ground so we’d think it’s two different gorilla’s in diving helmets. But this raises an interesting question. Is his home planet filled with gorillas in diving helmets? It is supposed part of their body? Or is this some sort of work uniform? 

We learn that the gorilla in a diving helmet has a name and Ro-Mon. R o dash m o n. Short for Robot Monster. Nothing to do with city of rome. And not to be confused with MoRon. Oh shit. I just got a 30 year old joke in a Freakazoid cartoon. Better late than never I suppose. 

So the gorillaz are all like “Finally somebody let me out of my cage” and they’re planning on taking over the earth and turning it into the planet of the apes. In fact, actually they’ve already killed everyone on earth except for eight people. That lightning we saw earlier killed everyone on Earth, maybe, except for eight people, transported the bubble machine to Earth, and turned Billy’s pants to jorts? Those monsters! Those robot monsters.  Or did the bubble machine kill everyone? 

Wait are we going to see any of this death and destruction? I feel like that would have been an interesting action sequence. But no, let’s just take the word of a gorilla in a diving helmet that it happened. It’s fine. No really it’s fine. 

Little johhny over hears the gorilla in a diving helmet, and runs home to his poppa to tell him all about it, And I officially have no idea what the fuck is going on. This kid suddenly has a mom and two sisters and the one scientist is his dad now and they can hide from the gorilla in a diving helmet by having electrical lines go around their house. I think we jumped ahead a few years at some point and it wasn’t clear.  

So realizing he hasn’t killed everyone yet, RoMan threatens the remaining five (not eight) humans via their dresser mirror, promising them a painless death if they just surrendor. 

I have trouble believing a gorilla in a diving helmet could wipe out the entire human race, but even harder to believe is tht the last humans on earth are these idiots.  

But there’s a sixth human, and he’s the other scientist. And he's discovered that the reason the eight of them are still alive is the death ray is because the other geologist invented a serum that cures everything and the eight of them are the people who that serum was tested on. So they plan to escape by going to the space station together, where there’s apparently a bunch of people still alive. But RoMan blows it up, and the other two guys.

The final six decide to talk to Roman. And he agrees to negotiate with them, but only the hot daughter. Which seems like a terrible plan to everybody except the daughter. So they tie her up to keep her from leaving. So Johnny decided to go talk to him instead. So to save him, they send the hot daughter out to find him, which is what they were trying to avoid in the first place. The gorilla in a diving helmet attacks her and the other scientist/love interest/ only human in this movie not related to her. 

RoMan waddles around the mountain side, while johnny returns home, and our two lovebirs are hiding in the tall grass, making out as blood romantically drips from his ear. In fact when they return to the rest of the family they ask the professor to marry them, because that was one hell of a make out session. Or because they’re the last two humans on earth who aren’t related … so options are limited.  The wedding is the social event of the year, the entire town turns out. The bride wears white and the groom remains in dress slacks and shirtless, as was tradition in the 1950’s. 

But they do decide that they still want to have a honeymoon, so off they go to …. Over there. But they younger daughter feels bad she didn’t get them a wedding present and chases after them with sunflowers. Leading her to be killed by the gorilla in a diving helmet.  Roman then chases down the happy couple, claiming prima nochta and throws loverboy over a cliff, and claims the new bride as his own. I think shes spent more of this film being carried around than walking on her own two feet at this point. 

Mom and dad find the body of their youngest daughter and have her buried before RoMan has even reached the cave with the other daughter. The groom stumbles to the grave tells mom dad and johnny the other daughter has been kidnapped and drops dead. They jusy leave  his body where he drops though.

RoMan tries to get the hot daughter to fondle his chest but is interrupted by the remaining human prank calling him via dresser mirror.  Then his boss calls reminding him that he's on a deadline. But RoMan is experiencing human emotions, namely horniness, so he’s conflicted about ending the human race, or at least ending the hot daughter. 

Little Johnny uses himself as bait so mom and dad can save his sister, but RoMan’s boss gets sick of RoMan’s shit and decides to kill him for letting his horniness get the best of him. Boss Level Gorilla in a diving helmet then says he will use “quote prehistoric reptiles” to kill them and then sends a giant aardvark to wrestle a claymation brontosaurus, and a replay of the earlier alligator gila monster bout. 

But as it turns out, this is a wizard of oz situation where this kid got beaned in the dome and this is all a dream. And you were there and you and you were there too, wearing a gorilla suit with a diving helmet. 

Robot Monster is available streaming on PlutoTv