The 2013 film “Carne: The Taco Maker” is the story of Don Taco and the delicious tacos he makes. Don Taco sells his delicious tacos via street cart on the streets of Beverly Hills, California. It's a bit of a local institution, and while everyone loves his delicious tacos, it’s said that the taste varies from person to person. That joke will pay off later, I promise. 

Except for the occasional heckler who accuses him of serving up Beverly Hills Chiuwua, no one bothers to question where the delicious taco meat comes from because that’s kind of a weird thing to do. Except for the local health inspector, whose job is to do that, he only questions it when the answer is a bribe.

But as it turns out, they should be questioning “Where’s the beef” is because that’s not beef. It’s something sinister. It’s people! Soylent Tacos are made of people!!! 

Don Taco has a crush on Maria, the girl whose apartment overlooks the taco cart, and as it turns out, her boyfriend is a bit of a jackoff. But she’s with him because She fell in love in East LA, to the sounds of the guitar, played by Carlos Santana. 

It turns out Don Taco, with the help of his brother, and Igor like assistant, is slicing and dicing up anyone who even slightly annoys them and serving them their delicious tacos with a side of fried green tomatoes. The first time we see this on screen, it’s just some dude who is down and out in Beverly Hills. Then it’s some annoying woman who was hitting on him.

Apparently, delicious people tacos is an old family recipe. We’re then treated to a flashback of Dad murdering and killing this woman, who is really a housewife. 

Meanwhile, at present, the health inspector, with the help of two local thugs, is planning to rob the taco cart. Brother Igor Taco is cross-dressing to seduce drunks off the street and health inspectors to make them into delicious tacos. That kind of puts a wrench in the robbery plans.  

Don Taco gets invited to a cooking show and he could be rollin like a celebrity. This, like many scenes, goes nowhere and is never mentioned again. 

When Maria and Douchie's boyfriend get an eviction notice, Maria runs to Don Taco for help. He invites her to a non-taco dinner, and the boyfriend is all, like, “Hey dude, that’s my woman,” she slaps him, and he runs off. 

As Maria prepares for her, not a date - date, brother Igor Taco watches her through a peephole because he’s in love with her too. Her friend warns her that Don Taco’s just trying to get into her pants and gives her a ball peen hammer to protect herself. This seems like it will end well for all involved. I’m not sure who we’re supposed to be rooting for here because everyone seems kind of awful. 

So Don Taco gives off creepy vibes the entire date, and Igor crashes it, professing his love for her. Don Taco throws him out.

Cut to … somewhere else, outside Don Taco’s home, inside Maria’s, or inside an abandoned warehouse... Maria’s friend is looking for her, When she runs into Igor, and he beans her with a ball peen hammer. The jerk boyfriend comes looking for Maria, and he gets whacked with the hammer. Only Maria hears this happening and then attempts to flee the scene, but Momma Taco and her cane stop her. 

Maria is taken down to the murder room; I mean the cellar, which is festively decorated with netted Christmas lights and chained to a pole. It’s at this point one of our burglars decides to break in, and seeing her held captive, frees her and her friend, who I even realize was still alive, let alone being held in the same room in a four-sided box. They literally just slid it away from the wall to free her.  She could have escaped at any time if she wanted to, so I have to ask if she actually wanted to escape. 

Maria, the burglar, and the friend decided to split up. This means the friend leaves alone as if she didn't want to go. The burglar gets hacked by Brother Taco, and Maria somehow ends up on the floor. When Momma Taco tells Brother Taco to kill her, he pretends to and tells Maria to “play dead, I love you.” 

Brother taco then searches the house for the friend. The friend makes it outside, and despite having a several-minute head start, it only inches outside the door when Brother Taco makes it outside.  She runs around the block screaming for help, and while I’m sure she would have liked a Beverly Hills Cop, I’m sure she would have settled for a Beverly Hills Ninja, or a Beverly Hillbilly, or even a member of Troop Beverly Hills. But she finds none of them, so she be dead. 

Momma Taco begins basing Maria’s (still dressed) body, which is weird because I feel like clothing would affect the taste of the delicious tacos. 

Now we’re at the wedding Don Taco promised to cater, which I forgot about because it seemed like a throwaway detail at the time. And I think everyone else forgot too, because only a dozen people were attending this Mexican wedding, so I don’t understand why they needed a caterer for a dozen people. I don’t think delicious tacos in a white wedding dress is a great idea. But if that’s what they want to spend their money on, okay.  

In rebellion, Brother Taco puts his fingers in the taco meat. This is upsetting to the wedding goers, and after yelling at Don Taco for fingering his wife’s taco, one angry dude shanks him. I can’t help but feel like this entire movie was made just to put that joke out there. 

I would give this movie, on a scale of one to ten, a negative 90210.