When my dad was young, he used to play cowboys and Indians. Times have changed, though, and I sleep better at night knowing my kids instead play the much more racially  sensitive “Cowboys vs Dinosaurs.”  That's in no small part due to the 2015 movie,  “Cowboys vs Dinosaurs,” starting one of the greatest actors of our, or any generation really,  and Julia’s older brother, Eric Roberts. 

The movie is set in present-day Montana, so unfortunately, the titular Cowboys are the modern-day rodeo type and not the Wild West type. This is disappointing, but not as disappointing as if it were the starting lineup of this year's Dallas Cowboys. The movie opens with a mining company blowing up something in the mine and releasing velociraptors who straight up kill everyone in sight. It is fantastic that they’re playing to their strengths here and not bothering with any of that pesky backstory or plot. 

We cut to the local but unofficial swimmin’ hole, where four young ladies have decided to go swimming. It’s like they’ve never even seen a killer shark movie to know how much danger they’re in. Or maybe it’s the irresistabable appeal of the cool water in the tropical heat of Montana in early fall. After talking for about thirty seconds, one of them, Sky, announces that they have to go to work and then leaves, taking their only vehicle. Seriously, what was the plan supposed to be here? Luckily, a boyfriend-type person had shown up, so the other girls stayed, and after splashing in the water for a bit, they all got disemboweled by a velociraptor. 

Sky works at the local diner, and today, her former boyfriend, Val, is back in town and wants a cup of coffee. But since things ended badly between them, she calls her dad, the sheriff, to come chase him off. Wait … is that supposed to be her husband, not her father? Err okay. Ew.

So we cut to another father-daughter duo on a quiet day at home, talking, and as they move to the bedroom and start taking their clothes off, I realize they also are supposed to be husband and wife. What the hell, Montana? I know limited population means limited choices, but … come on!

As per the rules of filmmaking, since they are about to engage in carnal relations, they’re going to die. And right on cue, here comes the raptor who somehow got into their house, got into their bedroom, shut the door, and hid behind the curtains. Clever girl!

Soon after, one of our heroes, Quaid, finds their bodies, and having heard rumors that there were dinosaurs that escaped from the mine, goes home and grabs two handguns, an Uzi and an AK-47, making him the sanest person I’ve seen in a monster movie ever. But since it’s still early in the film, and he’s black, I’m just going to assume he's not going to live much longer. He hops on his horse with yet another rife attached to the saddle and goes velociraptor hunting. He uses a handheld Reagan-era CC security camera as some sort of tracking device for dinosaurs and then uses a propane tank as bait naturally; when the raptor shows up, he shoots the propane tank, explodes, and kills the reptile. According to that one episode of Mythbusters, that wouldn’t work, but all things considered, this is still one of the more believable parts of the movie.

The mine owner is trying to get the mine reopened ASAP because of money. And you’d think that, as the villain of this movie, this is the part that Eric Roberts would play, but you’d be wrong. The owner shares his plan while pounding his fists on his desk, which, if I did, I’d likely knock over my monitor. He doesn’t have this worry, though, because the circa 1997 teal Apple G3 tower sitting on his desk isn’t hooked up to any monitor.

At a meeting of the mine workers, he explains his plan to reopen the mine, telling them it's a plan to save the trapped miners. That’s miners, as in the type that digs in the ground, not minors, as in young girls under 18. He tells them how their handheld devices were transmitting data up until the mine collapsed. I want to know what wireless service they had that got a signal deep in a mine shaft because I am immediately switching my phone service to them, because I can guarantee you it’s not TMobile. 

The returned prodigal son, Val, finds himself in jail for punching the sheriff and discovers he's sharing a jail cell with his dad, Eric Roberts. It's about time he showed up. Has Eric Roberts ever not played the bad guy? 

So Quaid shows up at the mine with the somehow no longer exploded body of the raptor he killed. Again, this is the most sane character I’ve ever seen in a horror movie. He doesn’t try to convince everyone of his crazy monster story; he shows them proof. 

The miners set charges to open up the back door to the mine using explosive charges purchased directly from the ACME catalog. When this works, it releases 100’s of raptors and one TRex. 

Now, the townsfolks are quickly becoming snacks. One girl, who I swore was already killed at the lake, was doing laundry when attacked, climbed into the drier, and closed the door to escape, which worked long enough to allow the Quaid to bust in, shooting not one, but two ak-47’s and kill the raptor. He hands her one of the guns and asks, “Do you know how to use one of these?” She looks at him like he’s an idiot and is  all like “Duh, we’re in Montana.” 

As we see the town and townsfolk getting slaughtered, I pick up on two important details. First, according to the sign in front of the bank, it’s 57 degrees out, which isn’t the best swimming weather. Two, the movie theatre is playing “Dragon Wasps,” which I will be hunting down to review in a future episode. 

After a long talk with Dad, Val escapes to help the townspeople. Dad elects to stay safely in jail, and I’m sure Eric Roberts was well compensated for his 2 minutes of screen time. Val finds Sky, the only survivor of the raptors' meals, at the local diner. 

Everyone else holes up at the local bar. The scientist lady tells us that since they have been living underground, the dinosaurs must have adapted to breathing methane. So if you shoot them with a flaming bow and arrow, they’ll explode. Oookay. So what exactly are they breathing now that they’re above ground again? 

The mine owner bribes the sheriff to get him out of town safely and no one else. The mine owner, of course, winds up ditching him, though, and when he tries to call for help, he can’t get a signal. So I can get a TMobile. Signal in a mine shaft in the middle of Montana can’t get a single sitting in a truck. Maybe it was TMobile. There’s a raptor in the back seat of his car, so he’s dino dinner. 

The remaining people make a run for it but swing by the police station to pick up more ammo, but despite the jail cell being literally feet away, Val doesn’t even so much as yell to check on his dad.

Quaid gets eaten, but not before firing off his bazooka and his machine gun, so we‘re left with the two pretty blonde girls in DaisyDukess and Val. To save the girls from being eaten by the TRex (not played by Paul Walker), Val uses himself as bait and leaps off a cliff. Or maybe he saw the finished cut of the movie and jumped off the cliff, which is hard to tell.

Cowboys vs Dinosaurs is available to stream on  Amazon Prime. 

Let the best species win.