Tonight's cinematic ….stinker …  is the 2016 movie, “I Was A Teenage Wereskunk.” This so-called tribute to the teenage monster movies of the 1950s is similar to “I Was A Teenage Werewolf,” except that instead of turning into a werewolf, he turns into a skunk. 

Who’d have thunk he’d be a teenage wereskunk? This is the question the theme song asks, and the answer is absolutely nobody. 

Absolutely no one in this movie passes for a teenager, like … not even close. The film is set in the 1950s, and I think some of these actors were actual teenagers in the 1950s. One guy is so noticeably not a teenager you’d swear the casting agent thought they were shooting a porn set in a high school. 

The movie starts as you’d expect, with two grown-ass adults role-playing as high school students going parking up on good ole Lovers Lane.  As soon as they begin to get some of 1950s version of hot and steamy, they get killed by an unseen monster. I assume it’s a Wereskunk, but it’s never actually been said. 

After the opening credits, we’re treated to the gang sitting around the malt shop, making plans to see  Ricky Nelson in concert. We’re interrupted by a musical number called The Smell of Love for no discernable reason. The backup dancers/singers have the most bored look on their faces. They are not the slightest bit entertained by our hero’s Elvis impersonation.

Our hero, Curtis, walks home with his lady friend and tries to maybe ask her out. When she doesn’t take the bait, he decides to climb a tree and be a peeping tom on the hot, redheaded veterinarian as she changes clothes. Without a McFly to protect him from danger, he gets sprayed in the face by a giggling skunk.

The next day, Curtis’s parents make him take their dog, Turbo, to the vet because the dog smells like lousy weed. I want to make it clear that turbo is a dog and not a breakdancer. The receptionist at the vet’s office is apparently some sort of Jamaican voodoo stereotype and immediately notices  he’s been ‘marked by the one who squirts.” But again, the veterinarian is hot, so he can’t help staring at her … and I’m quoting the movie here “Chest melons” and has a reaction in his  … and again, I’m quoting the movie here: “trouser tuba.”  While a werewolf changes to a wolf every full moon, a wereskunk changes into a skunk every erection. And given he’s (allegedly) a teen, this happens a lot, even looking at the illustrations of bras in the JC Penny catalog. 

The next day, Curtis proves he’s cool by drinking beer with Charles Manson. There is absolutely nothing gained from this scene.  I think it’s there for the guffaws of seeing a mass murderer in a non-murder context. 

He leaves the bar and decides to stop by his lady friend’s house and proclaim his feelings for her. She’s still wearing the same cheerleader uniform she’s been wearing the entire movie despite it being late at night. According to her uniform, the team she cheers for is called “sports.” They start making out, and he skunks out, and then he ran, he ran so far away.  The skunk makeup looks pretty rad, except for the nose with a visible elastic band. 

The following day, Curtis has no memory of the prior night, But he decides to hang out with his no-good Beatnik friend and two floozy lady friends. They go to someone's backyard pool, and the girls swim in their skivvies and splash water on each other in the most 1950s way possible. I don’t know how someone splashes water in a 1950s style, but they did, and it’s some of the finest acting in this movie. But stinky McGee goes all feral and kills them all, as skunks are prone to do

Meanwhile, Curtis’s dad, the local sheriff, and his mom are having all sorts of freaky, deeky role-playing sex. You have the right to remain sexy. YOu have the right to an attorney if you want somebody to watch. 

But there’s a pair of dead teens up at makeout point. Daddy needs to go investigate. He investigates and winds up at Beatnik’s house, questioning his dad. His house is clearly a child's backyard playhouse, complete with chalk drawings on the interior walls. 

Curtis finally realizes he’s a teenage skunk and talks to his girl, but he’s afraid she will reject him. She accepts him; in fact, she offers to blow him. Only he doesn’t know what that it is. So she whispers in his ear, and he agrees.   She then starts to blow him. She’s literally blowing air on him. But somehow, that’s still too sexy for him, and he begins to change, and he runs off. It was also apparently too sexy for her, too, for as soon as he leaves, she gets a little she bop, a wee bop with her pompom. And oh no! She’s a teenage wereskunk too!

The sexy role-playing continues between Curtis’s Dad and Mom/Sheriff’s deputy.  That Is to say, the actress playing his mom also plays Deputy Greg, who frequently is half losing his mustache.  The sexy role-playing this time is a circus clown and the bearded lady.

Curtis tries to not think sexy thoughts, but unfortunately, he takes refuge in Dad’s shed, where the sheriff naughty boy hides his girly magazines. This leads to a climactic battle between the wereskunk and the clown. Gary shows up to save the dad, but not before offering to wear their lion-tamer costume to have a threesome with the sheriff and themselves … 

She-Skunk shows up just in time to stop Gary from shooting  He Skunk. The two skunks start to face each other … but then there’s a moment of recognition as neither has yet seen the other in skunk form.  But is she going to reject him? 

She turns to him and says,… I said I wasn’t going to do the voice, but I thought I was going to do the voice. 

She turns to him and says 
I've got two tickets to Ricky Nelson, baby

Come with me Friday, don't say maybe

I'm just a teenage wereskunk, baby, like you

I was a teenage Wereskunk is available streaming on Tubi.