Tonight’s moronic movie is Abraham Lincoln Vs Zombies from the Asylum. That's actually the studio name, the asylum, not where they live … I don’t think. So the movie starts with an event left out of the history books,  as momma Lincoln apparently was a zombie, and rather than kill her, poppa Lincoln shot himself, leaving a 9-year-old Abe to kill momma with a scythe. Frankly, if that had been taught in my history class in high school, my grades would have been much better.

So according to this movie, four score and seven minutes later, Abe was brought forth upon a most excellent adventure. Soon after the Battle of Gettysburg, zombies began to rise, and unlike most zombie movies, it’s not a scientist trying to warn the government about zombies; the commander-in-chief has some unique insight into the zombie problem. This highly unique insight into the zombie problem is that zombies exist.  And the 16th POTUS plans on killing as many of them as possible with his trusty child-size scythe. This is a helpful plot point to distinguish this movie from the much more popular Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. 
 
Ole Honest Abe and his security detail take refuge from the living dead and try to temporarily join forces with someone already in the fort claiming to be Stonewall Jackson. I say claiming because, in the real history, he died before the battle of Gettysburg, and this guy also had one of the most clearly fake beards I've ever seen.

Lincoln and his posse go into town to try to reach a telegraph machine and call for help But are attacked by zombies when one of them …    forgets to shut a door. I swear, no matter what zombie movie, people die in the stupidest, most avoidable ways. They take refuge in a nearby house, which just happens to be owned by Lincoln’s old one-night stand, Mary. She’s taken in some orphaned kid named Teddy Roosevelt.  When there aren’t enough guns to go around, Abe suggests Ted arm himself with a big stick.

His Confederate allies have no objections to slavery but simply draw the line at killing the walking dead who didn’t do anything wrong. But the commander-in-chief insists that a man divided against himself simply cannot stand as he slices a zombie in twain. He then proclimates, “Emancipate this,” as he removes another zombie’s head. They used both of the best action movie lines within 30 seconds. It’s called pacing, people!

Needless to say, the uneasy alliance between the Union and the Confederates doesn’t last long and the real winner is The Walking Dead. At least until Abe has the brilliant plan to hoist Teddy on his shoulders and let him shoot at the zombies over a brick wall.

Jackson finally wises up and gives Lincoln his two cents since it’s his picture on them. They devise a plan to lure all the zombies into the fort, blow up the fort, and Abe will Zip Line into safety as the explosion occurs behind him.  I think they totally missed a merchandising opportunity here because I totally would have bought a zip-lining Abe Lincoln action figure to go with Chester A. Arthur with a Kung Fu Grip.

With the undead defeated, the living can return to killing each other. Unfortunately for old, honest Abe, his secret ex-lover got some ZombaJuice in her mouth, and she’s slowly been turning into a deado. So he fakes killing her and has her locked in a barn, under the watchful care of some doctor until the end of the war. He visits her, unchains her, and gets bitten in the stupidest and most avoidable way just before exploding her head. Faced with his inevitable zombification, he sends off an urgent message to John Wilkes Booth, stating, “Going to the theatre tonight, then I’m going to bang your mom like a five-dollar whore, 'cause that’s the one that has my picture on it. LOL” And the rest, they say, is history.


Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies is Streaming On Crackle