The thing about trying to make a movie that’s so bad it’s good is that you wind up making a movie that’s so bad and not good. For every Sharknado, there are 42,376 Thankskillings. Seriously, I did the math. 

Before I even start to regail you with the plot of the movie, let’s take a look at some fun facts listed on the IMDB page for Thankskilling. 

First, “the central tagline, ‘Gobble, gobble, motherf*cker!’, was thought of before the movie's plot.” I mean, movies have been made for dumber reasons. I can’t think of any at the moment, but I’m sure … actually no. I’m not sure. 

The second fun fact is that “No one wanted to distribute the film at first, so the filmmakers sold the DVD on Amazon themselves. It took a year to sell 1,000 copies.” You should be able to accidently sell 1000 copies of a DVD on Amazon in 2008. 

Third and final fact from IMDB … “In the turkey rape scene, a puppeteer is clearly visible in one of the shots.” Now you may be wondering if in the “Turkey Rape scene” if it is a human sexually assaulting poultry, or if it’s the other way around. And my answer would have to be, what the actual fuck? Is there any good answer to that question? What mental image do you want to be burned into your mind to wake up in a cold sweat too? 

So the movie opens in 1621, “the olden days” as the movie calls it, moments after the first Thanksgiving. The opening shot of the movie is that of the bare right breast of Wanda Lust. Because of course that’s her name, and Jenny Juggs wasn’t available as she was off filming Arbor Day Massaccre or something. In the credits Wanda is credited as Naked Pilgram. That’s the kinda thing you put at the top of the resume when you apply to work the books at a discount tire store.  The camera pulls back and we see the left breast which has a mole on it she might want to get checked out by a doctor. She takes off fleeing, chest hanging out while dressed as a pilgrim. She’s not topless, because they we couldn’t tell she supposed to be a pilgrim, as opposed to a nun or something. Her costume also has a lovely string on the back of the neck hole and was some cheap store-bought costume. It wasn’t even tied tight. She trips over a rock, and while she goes down face first she’s unhurt because of the boobs breaking her fall. 

Suddenly our evil turkey hand puppet shows up and says “Nice tits bitch” and he hacks her once with a 21st-century-made hatchet, which also has on a bad costume to make it look like a tomahawk. Fortunately, this is not the Turkey rape scene. 

Opening credits are set to techno, interspersed with turkey gobbles, which isn’t very danceable. The words are all bloody looking, just in case we didn’t get this was going to be a slasher film. Also much to my surprise the Special Effects Make-Up was done by Troy Smith. You may remember him as the Heisman Winning quarterback for the 2006 Ohio State Buckeyes. O-H! Or maybe it's another guy with the same name. It’s actually a quite common name now that I think about it.  

In the present day we’re introduced to our lovable cast … our likable cast… our generic cast of characters, the jock backup quarterback of the sports team, the redneck, the nerd, the Ho (their words not mine), and the final girl. They all had names I’m sure but who gives a crap. The redneck is way too excited about Thanksgiving break because he acts like it’s spring break. Meanwhile, the airhead Ho actually does think it’s spring break. And in spite of the nerd just meeting 3 out of 4 of the others they decide to road trip back to their hometown in a open air Jeep in november in New England. At least one of them was wearing long sleeves. The redneck acts rednecky, the nerd acts nerdy, the jock acts jockey, and the slut acts like my college girlfriend. The nerd decides that they should all go around and say what they’re thankful for to pass the time. THe redneck is thankful that the nerd’s mom “has the juiciest poon in town.” The jock finds this hilarious. No one else in the film or real life does though. The nerd proclaims his intentions to go skinny dipping without any clothes on, as opposed to skinny dipping with clothes on … again in New England in Novemember. Then he’s going to have sex … “with someone in this car.” He wants to be the one doing the sexin. But the Ho says shes not a ho, and nerd boy is out of luck. The final girls responds to this says “Oh Please, your legs are harder to close than the Jon Bonet Ramsey case.” Just putting that murder of a small child out there for laughs by the character we’re all supposed to be rooting for. 

Meanwhile in the woods, some lonely Ted Nugent and his border collie “flashie” get attacked by our cursed by native american killer turkey after Flashie tinkles on a miniature totem pole, as all Native American iconography are completely interchangeable. Apparently Turk was just as upset as I was at seeing a dog relive himself in extreme close up. 

Meanwhile final girl’s dad, apparently the local sherif is at home doing paperwork, he wife serves he a steaming hot cup of … joe. He spits it out as it tastes like shit, the wife reveals she did infact make a dookie in the coffee as she swirls around the clear glass coffee, and announces she wants a divorce. 

The co-ed jeep breaks down after dark, so they do the only logical thing, not call anyone and set up camp with the camping gear they somehow had stashed in this already uncomfortably full with five people Jeep. Nerd finds a sign they are in Crawberg, a town famous for being cursed by a murdering Turkey that rises from the grave every 505 years and kills the first person it comes into contact with. And there are tons of books on it. And the Redneck just happens to have the same name as the pilgrim who cause the turkey to be cursed.  

The final girl decides she should probably let her dad know she's not going to be home in time for dinner and wanders off into the woods where is she stumbles Upon Our killer turkey. Our killer wise-cracking turkey looks more like a mummified colon than a turkey but whatever I mean the movie called Thanksgiving what are we expecting she flees from danger and heads back to Camp where believe it or not they don't believe a killer turkey is after her the says he believes her story and as the right proper course of action when being attacked by her murdering holiday dinner He suggests they all go to sleep. The final girl upset at being patronized by The Jock storms off to where tent which she zips up and then goes to sleep while everybody else stays awake so she's following his patronizing advice and nobody else is which of course makes perfect sense and whatever alternate reality this is supposed to be happening and I don't know. 

The Nuge is out wandering the woods to kill our murdering poultry in revenge for killing his dog. When he discovers the campsite and the redneck who has been sleeping outside in a sleeping bag cover you're doing turkey s*** cuz this movie is classy if nothing else.  with morning come The Jock can fix his Jeep by popping the hood and wiggling a wire a little bit because we're not even going to you know attempt for any technical sounding realism here the redneck now believes in the murdering turkey cuz the turkey s*** all over I don't know what the I don't know how you tell what kind of s*** turkey s*** is let alone why you that would make you believe the turkey is going to murder you or somebody just because he left a Cleveland steamer on your sleeping bag. As they drive back home to new england in their Jeep with ohio plates. In fact all the cars have ohio plates. 

Meanwhile the terrible tom is hitchhiking  and some creepo decides to pull over and pick up the turkey and give the turkey a ride for quote cash gas or grass and quote the turkey decides to go for ass and then pulls a shotgun and kills our character in the movie. So thankfully this is not the turkey rape scene although we will get there eventually. The turkey takes the car and is now in Hot Pursuit of our collegiate crew who is now arrived at their home in New England with Ohio license plates. First they drop off the hole at her house and she flirts with the jock Dee nerd in the redneck observe that the hoe was trying to get with the jock to which the Final Girl Again comments her legs are harder to close then the Jean Bonnet Ramsey case classy stuff Happening Here. The jock heads home where his mother eagerly greets him but he isn't looking forward to talking to Dad because of the giant Rift in their relationship ever since he became the second string quarterback for the college basketball team or hockey team who gives as*** this gigantic Rifts that is formed over the last two weeks.

 the next part of the movie is well just as f****** boring as the rest of it but now seems like a good time to throw in some more fun facts about this movie The only actor to get paid the one who showed her tits which means she’s the on;y one not overpaid. Another fun fact about this movie there was a musical adaptation in 2013.  and well I have not seen things killing the musical or whatever they decided to call it I can only imagine the musical number for the turkey rate scene imagine it's a happy upbeat number with hand clapping and foot stomping and projectile vomiting.

 No yeah back to the plot the turkey kills the Jock's mom and dad and he's all upset about not getting cranberry sauce and stuffing and not at all about his parents being deceased and having witnessed it crescent rolls just break your heart. 

 so the jock decides to meet up with the gang at the Rednecks house minus the hoe to commiserate and have a beer cuz that makes more sense than calling the police or trying to stop the turkey or quit acting. The hoe however is at her house with random dude and … I’ll spare you the details, but it’s the turkey rape scene. 

A more disturbing moment has never been caught on Cinema before or after non-consensual ghost puppet poultry beastiality and this is supposed to be a comedy.

Ever want to know what a turkey looks like having an orgazam? Boy them youre in luck. The turkey delivcers the zinger “You’ve been stuffed” before putting her out of our misery. 

The gang rushes over to the Ho’s house to warn her the killer turkey is real not realizing they’re too late. While the jock goes inside to warn her, the rest of them wait outside the dork proclaims “at least her legs were harder to close than Jean Bonet Ramsey’s legs.” So if you thought the turkey rape scene was going to be the low point of the movie as I did, you were sadly mistaken.  

The jock find the Ho dead, and the wrapper from a gravy flavored condom, this upsets the Redneck because he just got cock blocked by a turkey. Not my commentary, thats actually a line he says. The nerd doesn’t know how to kill the turkey because nothing they’ve tried so far has worked. To which the jock points out they haven’t actually tried anything yet.  Which is like the only thing in this movie that actually makes sense. 

The turkey in a human costume, has coffee with the sheriff who is a turkey costume. Them he kills him. 

The gang decides to research how to kill the turkey by reading all the books written on the turkey. Even the book prop is terrible. It’s quarter inch corrugated cardboard, with printouts terribly glued onto it. They xouldn’t even just put a fake dust jacket on a real book. 

The redneck gets upset for somereason so of course he’s the next to die, which is so predictable even the jock calls it out as he leaves.

The nerd dies next, and let’s face it, no one real cares how or why or misses him. This leaves the jock and the final girl to make kissy face, before he also gets killed by fowl play. NO one cares how these two got killed, we just want it to be over. They had more trouble wrapping up this movie than they did the Jon  … NO! Not doing that. 

This however leaves the final girl to be the final one alive. See how that works? She finally defeats the turkey with the help of that Ted Nugent wannabe who has just been wondering in the woods the entire movie.  We’re teased with a squeal that takes place in space, which unbelievably did get made.  And as one final kick in the pants, they managed to misspell our Jock’s name in one of the three places it appears in the credits, Johnny, Johnny’s dad and Johhhhhhhny’s Mom.  

The filmmakers wish to thank the entire cast and crew for their dedication and support. Without anthem this film would not have been possible. So we can blame each and everyone of them for this turkey of a movie. On this list includes the City of Columbus, which explains the ohio liscense plates and how Troy Smith got involved. 

So if you feel like giving your family the bird this thanksgiving, make them watch Thankskilling. 

Thankskilling is available streaming on Pluto, and Prime, and Tubi of course.